


Worry and Weary

by rawkfemme



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, It'll get fluffy after an expected amount of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 03:48:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10208954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rawkfemme/pseuds/rawkfemme
Summary: Any close proximity to him was almost too much to bear after what had almost been between them. Her diet suffered, her headaches worsened, and it all finally came to loggerheads a few weeks after their return.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Resolutions by pirategirljack

Kathryn was pushing herself harder than usual. In the weeks after returning from their forced isolation, it was clear that the dynamic between the captain and her XO had changed, and the only way Kathryn knew to avoid confronting those feelings were to dive headlong into her work. It started as soon as they returned to the ship. Her rattling off a series of commands that served only to put a wall of authority between them. Of course the problem with the pre-fire chamber had been fixed. They’d been gone for months. Her demeanor only grew stricter and colder from there. Kathryn’s already long working days grew longer, often spending upwards of twenty straight hours on deck one before being send to her room like an insolent child by Chakotay or Tuvok. But often she’d sneak away to read additional reports in the mess hall, with the coffee close at hand, or down to engineering to tinker with the problem of the day. Kathryn avoided Chakotay completely in any sort of non-official capacity, going as far as entering a waiting turbo lift that she hadn’t needed to take when she saw him turn the corner into the hall she was striding down. Any close proximity to him was almost too much to bear after what had almost been between them. Her diet suffered, her headaches worsened, and it all finally came to loggerheads a few weeks after their return. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It pained him to see her this way. She was taking the concepts of professional distance and inner strength to extremes. He’d acquiesced when she’d ended their fledging flirtations upon resuming their command, rebuilding the walls that they had worked together to tear down. He was used to taking care of her, and making sure that she took care of herself, but she was making things difficult for everyone. Her caloric intake was almost non-existent. She rarely slept, let alone spent any time alone in her quarters. She preferred to be surround by crew to guide, problems to solve, challenges to overcome. She preferred to be working at a break-neck pace. It was almost as if standing still would hurt. As if thinking would wound. As if opening a door would let in a flood. Ever since their return, Chakotay could relate. At least he’d had B’Elanna to talk to, and his akoonah. Chakotay doubted that Kathryn had confided in Tuvok at all, and she certainly hadn’t visited with her spirit guide. While he’d withheld any details from B’Elanna out of respect for Kathryn, it was still helpful to talk to someone who knew him outside of Starfleet. He ached to help her, but any overture to do so was met with dismissal, and any affection he showed her was returned with hostility. He knew that her undercurrent of anguish would soon crest. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“Stand down Red Alert,” called the captain. Voyager had just out-maneuvered her latest foe. Kathryn peeled her fingers from the back of Tom Paris’s chair, where she’d taken position during the skirmish. The rolling moves that Tom had needed to execute caused Kathryn to white knuckle his padded backrest to keep herself from pitching over onto the deck. As she steps away, her knees buckles and she sways.   
“Tom, that last move was a doozy. I’m feeling a bit...”  
Tom turns to face her and stands to grab her arm, steadying her. The color has drained from her face and her skin is clammy.   
“A bit like you should sit, perhaps?” Tom throws a worried glance to Chakotay, who is already crossing from the command chairs to the helm.   
As Chakotay approaches, Kathryn’s vision darkens and the sounds of the bridge take on a muffled tone. As the room hazes away she can just make out a familiar silhouette. As Kathryn’s knees crumple, Chakotay dives to soften her fall.  
“Warrior...” she whispers, and she is gone. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Her eyes flutter open, and she wonders why she feels so heavy. Her limbs won’t lift and her neck is too weak to raise her head. The lights are too bright, the beeping is too loud, and the snoring is too resonant. As a new sound chimes, the heaviness releases. An arm pulls away from her torso, and a head from off her chest. She can feel fingers unwinding from her hair. A sleepy eyed Chakotay greets her.

“Welcome back.” He moves the hand that was in her hair to her cheek, whipping away a tear that she didn’t know that she’d shed. As if noticing his brazenness, he pulls his hand back suddenly and stands erect, practically at parade rest. In the same instant the face of the EMH appear above her as well.

“Ah, Captain. You’re awake.” He states matter-of-factly, while silencing the beeping that alerted him to her rousing. “I’m sure I’m stating the obvious, but you’ve suffered a bout of malnutrition, coupled with acute exhaustion and dehydration. I’ve gotten you right as rain now, but I’d prefer to not see you back here like this again. I’ve tried for years to convince you to take time for yourself, but you just don’t listen. Perhaps this event and being out of commission for three days as a result will convince you.”

“Three days?” Kathryn choked out. Her voice was dry and raspy. 

“Yes. In order to get your electrolyte and baseline vitamin levels back into check, it was necessary. As soon as you are ready and on your feet, I’ll release you to your quarters. But you’re not to work for an additional two days. Your body needs rest, Captain.”

Kathryn begins to sit up and swing her feet onto the floor, trying to bear her weight, but stumbles as her tired muscles protest. As she grabs the side of the bed, a strong arm is around her waist. Chakotay, always her stalwart.

“I mean it, Captain. Please rest. We need you at your best,” the doctor concludes. As he leaves for his office, Kathryn looks down at the arm supporting her and is reassured by its presence, but at the same moment, she is dismayed by the blue medical gown she finds she’s wearing. 

“Please tell me Tom didn’t change me.” She stands a bit steadier and Chakotay releases his hold on her.

“Don’t worry. He was on the bridge.” Chakotay smiles at her embarrassment. “Here, I’ve brought you a clean uniform so that you don’t have to walk the halls in that. I’ll give you a minute to change and then I’ll escort you home. Doctor’s orders.” His grin fades as he struggles to convey the professional distance that she has mandated. Giving a brief nod, he joins the doctor in his office, granting Kathryn her privacy. “Let me know when you’re ready to go.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Back in her quarters, Chakotay has settled Kathryn on the couch under a warm blanket and crossed to the replicator.

“A glass of water, a glass of apple juice, and a serving of oatmeal with maple and brown sugar.” As the order shimmers into place he turns to Kathryn. “Blood sugar, calories, and fiber. Good for what ails you.”

“I’m guessing my coffee rations are probably reduced, right?”

“Practically non-existent.”

“Damn.” As Chakotay hands her the glass of juice, she hesitates at taking it, knowing that their fingers will graze. Girding her feelings, she grabs the glass too quickly and sloshes some out onto the blanket. “Damn.”

“It’s alright. I’ll grab a dry blanket from the bed.” In an instant he’s up and across the room, but he pauses at her door. It’s there. Carved and storied. Hand finished in alien wood and love. The headboard. He had made it for her when they had all the time in the world. When they were Kathryn and Chakotay. She still has it. He’d assumed that it had been recycled, or left to rot on the planet. But she still has it. His vision clouds at the realization. It did matter. Those months and moments did mean something to her. Just not as much as they did to him, or she wouldn’t have ended it. 

“Chakotay.” She can tell what he’s noticed, and that it caused him to pause. “It’s my second favorite thing that anyone’s ever made me. The first is too big for my bathroom here, so it’s in the cargo bay.”

“It’s good to see it again.” He turns back to her and smiles, before dropping his chin and staring at the floor. “If you’re all settled, I should probably go.” Awash in memories, he’s forgotten about the damp blanket. “I’ll check on you in the morning.”

“Please stay.” She doesn’t know what compels her to ask this of him. “It’s been so long since I’ve spoken to anyone. It’d be nice if it was you.”

“I’ve always been here, ready willing and able to be...whatever you needed me to be. Friend, counselor, whatever. Any distance is on you.”

“That’s not fair. You agreed...”

“Damn it, Kathryn. Uniforms and regulations and pips all made me agree. If I’d had my way I’d...” he trails off, afraid to finish the though. 

“Say it.”

He pulls his fingers thru his hair and sighs. Fear is not his friend. Honesty is the path of the bold. 

“If I’d had my way, I’d never have taken the first officer position. I’d have stayed a captain.”

“What?” she gasps, “You’d have taken Voyager?” She feels betrayed. Her eyes tear at the confusion. Perhaps she was wrong about him, about them.

“No, that’s not it. At all. I’m sorry I’m not explaining this well. As your XO, I have to follow a certain path. Always with you, but always behind, never next to. There is only so much I can do to ease your burden, truly. The hardest choices will always be yours. And one of those choices, was to walk away from what we could have been. And I understand it, truly, but it almost killed you. Taking on all this burden has burned you out, and if I was still a Captain, on equal footing....but that could never happen. We have one ship. One big chair. One amazing woman in it.” He’s crossed to the couch and stoops to kneel at her knee. Taking her hand in his. He continues, “Please don’t keep shutting me out. If you can’t let me love you, at least let me help you.”

Kathryn sits in stunned silence as she processes his confession and request. At her lack of response, he rises and crosses to the door. 

“I’ve said my piece. Please rest. You mean too much to me to see you suffer.” As he takes another step away from her the door swoops open and he is gone.  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
The two days of Kathryn’s forced convalescence have passed without further communication from Chakotay, despite his promise to check on her. He’s undoubtedly monitoring her vitals and whereabouts, but is too embarrassed to face her. Kathryn has had plenty of time to think. To think about him, and about what he means to her. To think about the ship and crew, and what is best for them. To think about a way forward. 

Chakotay has returned to his office after a double shift on the bridge to find on his desk a small lacquered box, a padd, and a rose. Opening the box leaves him stunned. He activates the padd in hope of some explanation. What he sees defies expectation. 

The insistent buzzing of her chime alerts her to his presence outside her door. 

“Someone’s in a hurry,” she says to herself. “Enter.”

Chakotay barges in, tossing the padd on her desk. “Explain.” He exclaims gruffly. 

“You’re right.” She replies, a sly smile creeping over her face. “You never should have taken the first officer gig.”

“So that’s what these are for.” He opens the box, showing her insistently. Four pips are nestled safely inside. “And the order in the padd? Changing the registry of the aerowing. Your aerowing. It’s now known as NCC-74656B Liberty 2. Kathryn, do you even have the authority to do that?”

“I really have no idea. Probably not. I’ll sort it out with the brass when we get home.”

“Kathryn, if you don’t explain yourself right now, so help me...”

“It’s simple really. With you captaining Liberty 2, Voyager will have a built in support vessel. It’s not a big ship, but I’m sure that we’ll find crew to rotate on who would like a change of pace now and then. Since it won’t need its captain full time, riding under Voyager the way it does, you’ll be available to help with executive level duties here, which will alleviate some burden from me. You did swear to do that, did you not?”

“I...well, yes.”

“Also, one of the major stumbling blocks to us being able to pursue a more, shall we say, non-collegial relationship was our difference in rank. For me as captain to admit that I’d fallen in love with my first office could open up a whole host of subornation and authority issues. But, if I’m in love with another captain, well, that’s all on the up and up.”

He can’t believe what he just heard. It’s not possible. “Kathryn. I’m not sure I heard you right.”

She crosses to him standing in the middle of her living room, his brow furrowed in confusion. Raising her hands to his neck, she removes his rank bar from his collar. Reaching down, she relieves the box clutched in his hand of its contents. After fastening the small golden discs to his collar she stands on tiptoe and winds her arms around his neck.

“I think you heard me perfectly, Captain Chakotay. I love you. And I believe you may feel the same way towards me.”  
Dropping the box to the floor, he brings his hand to her hips and pulls her close. 

“Oh yes, Captain, you are very right about that.” His dimpled grin wrinkles his eyes. Lowering his lips to hers, the kiss they finally share is warm and intoxicating, and will be the first of millions. “But we’re going to need a bigger headboard.”


End file.
